Owning it

A few of my loyal readers have inquired as to my new job that I have mentioned in previous posts. My reasons for not mentioning it sooner come from my own insecurities to the direction that I thought my life would go, prior to my having children.

I studied Anthropology in school and while sitting through 4 years of lectures on the !Kung hunter/gatherers of the Kalahari Desert, the firewalking Anastenaria of the Greek Islands, and the Apache Indians, I saw myself becoming a Margaret Mead of sorts, living and learning from societies in faraway lands. Clark and I spent over a month in the northern reaches of Mongolia. This was a dream. Living and learning from these socially rich people was such an honor.

I did not, however, see myself being totally commited to the lives of 2 little boys, and in turn working-from-home as a medical transcriptionist.

Clark recently asked me why I never write about my job, the struggles of completing a year-and-a-half course and the struggles of landing that first job. "Why don't you own it?" he asked.

So, today, I am owning it.

Before H&N unexpectedly entered our lives, my life revolved around just 2 people. The sky was the limit and I enjoyed my time working with families in the Appalachian foothills of Southern Ohio, assisting with healthcare needs to underprivledged families. Now, my life revolves around 3, minus 1, and the boys have become my career.

I struggle with the thought of working outside the home, of not being available at all hours... Now that the boys are in school I have more time. The transcription, as monotonous as it is, does give me the freedom that I need to continue to be there 24/7 for the boys. They will start public school next year and I will have even more time. Do I continue with this, knowing that it is not my life dream? Do I commit to something that will put the children in daycare after school and through long summers? These are the questions I struggle with as a mother.

I made the decision to stay home with the boys, and while I know that I made the right decision for our family, it is increasingly harder to rediscover my own direction.

So, there you have it. The new job, which I have already been demoted and re-promoted in just a short month's time, is typing my fingers to the bone. Making peanuts. Not even enough to pay for the boys' preschool. So far, yes, it is worth it... Five, ten, twenty years from now, will I still hold the same sentiment? And, where will life take us, take me, and my career?

Time will tell..